Where have I been?

I can't believe it but my last post was almost 17 months ago. It would have been fantastic to have come back after all this time to say that I had shifted all the weight and that was the reason I disappeared but it's just not the case. In fact, if anything, I'm definitely heavier now than I was all those months ago- I'll find out tonight when I rejoin SW. So where have I been? Well, I've been busy getting in my own way.

I'm an 'all or nothing' kind of girl. And I don't think that can ever be a good thing. It doesn't allow for compromise, or for a life, or to just give yourself a break. If I couldn't write every day, then what was the point? If I couldn't lose shedloads of weight, then why continue? What I failed to acknowledge was that it was the rare moments where I had time to write, that I should have relished in. That if I lost weight, it was a small triumph, and if I didn't, then that was OKAY, there still might be something positive to be gained from it: a realisation that I'd been doing something wrong; a bit of research which led to a new recipe: a chat with another member, which in turn led to a recipe idea. Or maybe just the motivation to work a bit harder. 

Instead, I quit SW and used work as my excuse. I stopped training after my injury (I still completed the walk but only because I couldn't face the humiliation of cancelling) and stopped writing this blog. Now without sounding like an amateur psychologist, I know where this comes from. I don't need to look far. My childhood memories are of bringing home report cards with B's, only to be chastised for them not being A's. Second place was not good enough, if you didn't win, then what was the point of taking part. I have never blamed my parents for this and, to an extent, I still don't. My father has always believed that he was instilling drive and ambition, and it HAS made me resilient and competitive. But it's also made me hard on myself and, if I'm honest, on my eldest. I see so much of myself in her that I want her to do well - I just need to stop confusing 'being HER best' with 'being THE best'.

Perhaps approaching 40 is making me a little more perceptive, or perhaps just a little 'soft'. But I know I need to appreciate that I'm human and cut myself some slack.It took Spielberg 35 years before he completed his BA. Other things got in the way but he never gave up and went back when he was ready. Hopefully my goals won't take as long to complete.

Until tomorrow (or maybe not). 

Moody Blues

Hard to believe that another month has slipped by and we're almost into April already. Particularly hard to believe as it's only 5 degrees outside and we've already had two snow flurries this morning! I remember going away with the kids last year and sitting on a beach and yet this year it looks like we'll be having ds's Easter Egg hunt in the house!

Rubbish weather combined with lingering pain from a knee injury sustained earlier this month means that I haven't done anywhere near as much Body Magic as I should have done (almost none unless you include walking up and down the stairs at work or strolling around Harrow). Weight loss is a little sporadic but I can report that I've now lost 19.5 lbs since I started 12 weeks ago! I know that I should be really proud of this achievement but I can't help berating myself for the lbs that I haven't lost - a result of the Chinese meal I had last week or that cheeky glass of wine that I had at the end of term 'goodbye'. At the moment I feel pretty good about the weight loss but that's because my moods are 'up'. Having bipolar means that I can be pretty self-deprecating and it's hard to get motivated about my successes at times. Luckily I have my amazing husband to keep reminding me how far I've come and a fantastically supportive group leader. My mum keeps in regular touch too and always tells me how proud she is - I know I shouldn't need validation but on the worst days, it really helps!

Tomorrow is Easter Sunday but I think I'll survive it intact. The kids only have a couple of eggs this year and I just have a little bx of Lindt bunnies (2 Syns each) to look forward to.

Tonight's dinner - Chinese SW styleeeee! Chicken in Blackbean sauce, Egg fried rice, Chilli Beef Noodles and Fanta Pork. 3 Syns for the whole lot! (And it'll stay at 3 as long as I can avoid the prawn toast and hoisin duck rolls!!)

Wish me luck!

Bleurgh...

Well, it's half-term this week. DD1 is away with my parents for a week, DD2 (actually my stepdaughter) was away with her mother for the first half of the holiday and my DS has been at nursery for the best part of the week, which is just as well as I've been ill for most of the week. I'm not sure it's really fair that over the last 6 months I've quit smoking, started taking up more exercise, have started to lose weight and yet I've been sick with cold/flu on at least 4 occasions now - I'm literally hmphing with indignation as I type.

It's tough to carry on when you try so hard to be better and things keep knocking you down. It's far easier to give up and promise yourself that you'll have another go when things are a bit better. That's why it's taken me so long to quit smoking (although I think I've now cracked it for good) and why, I think, I never managed to hit that target weight before. In the past, I've tried and tried (and having PCOS means that I have to work that much harder to be able to reverse the insulin resistance which comes with the condition) and after a couple of months of dieting and working out and getting 2-3 stones in, I'm frustrated that I still can't see the difference and so, at the first (not-so) major hurdle, I declare the whole thing a right-off and say I'll come back to it later. The thing is, will I be able to break the pattern this time around?

At the moment, things are going reasonably well - I've just signed up to complete a 26-mile trek in September, walked 8 miles this week and lost 3 1/2 lbs at weigh-in on Wednesday but I'm my own worst enemy so I'm glad I have this blog. In the months to come, I can look back over the entries and see how far I've come.

At the moment, I should be marking Year 9 exercise books - without a doubt my favourite class but absolutely the worst task in the world. My only saving grace is when one of them manages to write something accidentally hilarious, previous entries have included: 'I looked at him with my eye' and 'I held up my head'. These are just off the top of my head but I know there have been far more, I'll be sure to post some more down when I next come across them. I do love my job but the paperwork is a drag.

I think I've procrastinated enough and should probably make an effort to get back to my books, although I'm sure there's a cuppa I could be having and perhaps some veg to chop up for dinner...

No Limits

Despite being, undoubtedly, one of the worst songs of the 90s, I'm thinking a lot about the idea of 'No Limits' at the moment and the pressure that we bring upon ourselves. When I started this blog in January I had such high hopes that this was going to become such an intrinsic part of my life and that I would spend half an hour every day sitting at my laptop with a cup of coffee and a mountain of ideas and inspiration while my fingers flew over the keyboard. I told myself that I would be the only thing that would stop me from writing and that failure to complete my mission, therefore, would be my own fault. And I've realised that I do this a lot. A LOT. And it's not just the blog, it's everywhere: my 'failure' to finish my writing course; my 'failure' at work (not doing what I actually want to do, which is to work in Special Needs); my 'failure' to be thin.

What I've started to realise this week is that my life is nowhere near over. Okay, so I didn't manage to write a blog entry every day. Does that negate what I've written so far? Does it mean that I have to erase everything and start again, pretending to myself that I've only just started the blog? And I considered it! I mean, who am I actually trying to fool? So what if there isn't an entry for every day so far - I'm writing now, that's the important thing. I have a life. I have a job, friends, family, work, commitments. And if I manage to squeeze in a couple of lines now and then, then that has to be enough for me. I need to accept that it's not a failure if I don't write every day, it's a success that I'm even writing at all.

So what if I haven't finished the writing course - the beauty of the course is that I can write whenever I want and take as long as I want to complete it. I know what I want to write about and I have a rough idea when I want to start it. As long as I don't forget about it completely, then just starting it is still a great thing and the possible success of finishing it is still out there, and in the meantime, the blog will get me back into the habit of writing a little more often. So I'm not a Special Needs teacher yet. Six years ago I wasn't even a teacher! I have to look at how much I've accomplished already and still having the dream and working towards it, albeit in baby steps, is still a success.

 It's the same with the weight loss. So, I'm not thin. Yet. I've tried so many times to lose weight in the past and I've managed a couple of times to lose a few stones. But it doesn't make me a failure that I'm not at my target weight because I'm still alive and as long as I'm still on this planet, everything is possible. It's been so long since I've written that I haven't registered any weight loss yet but I'm 10lbs down already after 5 weeks and feeling better than I have in ages. It's bizarre that this is the heaviest I've been (non-pregnant) and yet I feel wonderful because I can see it moving down now  - s ix months ago when I was climbing UP to this weight I was miserable! Not being at target yet is not a failure, the success is that I keep trying.

There's nothing wrong with setting goals or having dreams but I think what I'm learning is to give myself a break. Just because there are 'No Limits' doesn't mean that it's our fault if we don't get there first time. As an English Teacher, I hate cliches but, now and then, I'm stuck for a better metaphor: life will occasionally throw you a curve ball. And you know what? It's okay to swing and miss. The real success is in running anyway and staying in the game.

Days Three to Five. Boobs, Boxing and Berry Bakewells

Okay, so I realise that I'm cheating a little by lumping the last three days in together in one post but I've decided to give myself a break - sometimes there just isn't enough interesting material for one one post per day! And this three-in-one practice will be good for next weekend after my little sister's wedding, somehow I don't see me having the time to blog while I'm away but I'll try!

The last three days have been pretty great from a SW point of view, I've managed to stay within the Syns (or thereabouts - a couple of days where I've been two or three over but also a few where I've been under). No alcohol this week and I haven't really missed it and I've even managed to cram in some exercise. Yesterday it was Boxercise. I figured with my dodgy joints, a low-impact upper body workout would do me good but I hadn't counted on the warm-up or the runs in between the sparring. I could barely breathe after the warm-up and half an hour after finishing the workout, I was still purple! Another reminder that I really need to lose weight and get in shape.

Somehow, after the torture of the gym, I managed to take DS shopping with me for some sucky-in-undies for my sister's wedding. Now I should point out that I dress with my eyes closed, even in my own home. I haven't looked at my body naked in front of a mirror since...forever.  In my own bedroom I have a dressing table built into my wardrobe unit and I've piled items in front of it and I hang dresses on the cupboard above so the mirror is never in use. It's never been a deliberate thing but I think my feelings about my own body mean that I've ever felt the need to clear the area. When I'm trying on clothes, it's a very deliberate choice not to look at myself. I stand in the cubicle with my back turned to the mirror and not until the very last minute, when I'm completely dressed, will I turn around and look at my reflection. Normally, I'm shopping for jeans or tops so it'snot a problem but yesterday it was a nude, Lycra, all-in-one thing to go under my long dress. Something that would hold me in and smooth everything down so I have no lumps or bumps. Perhaps if I had looked in a mirror a little bit more before yesterday, I might not be in the position I'm in now. Having DS in the room with me yesterday meant I couldn't do what I really wanted to when I saw the beige duvet with legs that was staring back at me in the cubicle, which was to sink to the floor and cry so instead I had a really good look at myself, from bottom to top and back down again.

I've never really had good  legs and I marvel at women who weigh a lot more than me but who manage to have these beautiful shapely calves while mine look like they belong on a prop half. The cellulite which once adorned only my buttocks and thighs has started creeping its way down towards my knees like a blancmange waterfall while from knee to breasts I look like a badly-tied sleeping bag. My boobs have grown enormously over the last 6 months and either one of them is, as my tiny co-worker JB and I discovered, as big as her head! And my upper arms are, like details of your grandparents' sex life, best kept under wraps. However, before any of you out there (if, indeed, there is anyone out there) think that I'm self-deprecating for attention, I do have a cracking collar-bone. No, really. It's chiselled and beautiful and longs to have the perfect off-the-shoulder gown to show them off. Apart from a bit of a double-chin, the face isn't too bad - at least the wrinkles have held off for a while.

The thing is, although I was completely horrified, I wasn't all that surprised and now, not only do I know what I'm working with but it means that as I lose weight I'll be able to see its effects more clearly. Before yesterday I had no idea what my body looked like but now I understand all of its curves and nooks, every last dimple and thread vein. And rather than just feel the sagging folds of my stomach, instead I forced myself to really look at it and instead I marvelled at the lines that were left over from having given birth to my children - my own personal battle scars. Although I may never be completely at ease with them, I think as I'm getting older and seeing the friends around me who are trying to have children of their own, I realise how valuable they are.

That invisible 'red rope of love' as Gillian Clarke so eloquently put it has been really been stretched this week as well. DD1 is on the verge of becoming a teenager and is testing her boundaries. And my patience. Seems anything we do or say sets her off screaming or crying. I do remember the flood of hormones at her age and I'm trying my hardest to remain calm but I'm not entirely sure how I've managed to refrain from hitting the bottle or running into the nearest newsagents for a pack of 10 Marlboro but hubby is keeping me calm and plied with Turkish Delight flavour MullerLights!

And where do the Berry Bakewells fit in? Well, I bought a pack on Tuesday, finished the last one today (I did manage to give one to hubby) and will be buying at least three more next week. Of all of the Hi-Fi bars I've tried, this one comes the closest to tasting like actual cake! Divine!

Well, another weekend has been and gone without so much as picking up a green pen so I guess I should at least make the effort!

Night all xx

Day Two. Horseshoes

Me again!

Just a quick post before bedtime. Managed to complete another day without resorting to rifling through the cupboards for leftover Christmas chocolate, although I'm not feeling in any way complacent. The more I've talked about it with hubby tonight, the more I realise how much I want this to work and what I'm prepared to do to get to my goal.

Lunch duty outside today which meant having my lunch outside while walking around. I couldn't bring myself to eat salad so I had the chilli and rice. The lovely ladies are all SW members too through and I know that they eat the food, so I'm confident that it's good stuff! I can't always guarantee that the food will be suitable though so I definitely need a warm food option I can quickly nuke before I head out. Oh God, just remembered it's fish and chips tomorrow - wish me luck!

Oh, and the horseshoes? I rearranged my classroom today into two horseshoes - worked a charm. The kids were better behaved and they hate me for it which can only mean that I'm doing something right!

Night all xx

P.S. Found out today that I'm allergic to Green Tea. Weird!

Day One. Such fun!

Hello again,

I realise that I only just posted something but the intro was somewhat retrospective for yesterday and I've now been back on plan for a whole day - woohoo - and I want to try and post every day!

Highlights:

• I managed to visit the school canteen without buying anything that wasn't free food (I'm too cheap to bring food in from home when I get a paid lunch three times a week!)
• Sweet Chilli Snack a Jacks are only 4 1/2 Syns
• Berry Bakewell Hi-Fi bars are freakin' awesome!
• Hubby found me some light wine - I won't open it until I know the Syn content but I know it's less than the stuff I normally knock back so I have something to look forward to this week!
• I completed my reports on time. Not food-related, I know, but such a relief nonetheless!

Lowlights(?)

• Bus breaking down on the way home, waiting half an hour for a new one which then terminated 15 mins from home. Yay, I just realised that the 15-min walk home counts as Body Magic though so silver-lining!
• Arrived home cold and hungry - NOT a good combination! Must make sure that I have things in the house to combat stress munchies.

That's not a bad pro/con list all in all. Although today I was reminded of a 5th reason for wanting to lose weight. Remember, I said there'd be others!

5. Miranda. Being tall and large framed with short dark hair means that students have suddenly decided that I look like Miranda Harte, lol! They shout out her name in the playground, they whisper her name and point at me in the canteen and now they run past my classroom shouting it through the open door. Aargh!! And it's not just this school - I heard it all the time at my last school too. Don't get me wrong- I like the woman. I think she's funny. I just don't want to be compared with her (and I honestly don't see the similarity), although I'd happily take her last salary over mine! I'll post a picture of me up here soon and I'll let you decide. 

So, end of Day One. Back on plan and even started myself a little blog - that should keep me away from the fridge in the evenings anyway!

Night all xx