Where have I been?

I can't believe it but my last post was almost 17 months ago. It would have been fantastic to have come back after all this time to say that I had shifted all the weight and that was the reason I disappeared but it's just not the case. In fact, if anything, I'm definitely heavier now than I was all those months ago- I'll find out tonight when I rejoin SW. So where have I been? Well, I've been busy getting in my own way.

I'm an 'all or nothing' kind of girl. And I don't think that can ever be a good thing. It doesn't allow for compromise, or for a life, or to just give yourself a break. If I couldn't write every day, then what was the point? If I couldn't lose shedloads of weight, then why continue? What I failed to acknowledge was that it was the rare moments where I had time to write, that I should have relished in. That if I lost weight, it was a small triumph, and if I didn't, then that was OKAY, there still might be something positive to be gained from it: a realisation that I'd been doing something wrong; a bit of research which led to a new recipe: a chat with another member, which in turn led to a recipe idea. Or maybe just the motivation to work a bit harder. 

Instead, I quit SW and used work as my excuse. I stopped training after my injury (I still completed the walk but only because I couldn't face the humiliation of cancelling) and stopped writing this blog. Now without sounding like an amateur psychologist, I know where this comes from. I don't need to look far. My childhood memories are of bringing home report cards with B's, only to be chastised for them not being A's. Second place was not good enough, if you didn't win, then what was the point of taking part. I have never blamed my parents for this and, to an extent, I still don't. My father has always believed that he was instilling drive and ambition, and it HAS made me resilient and competitive. But it's also made me hard on myself and, if I'm honest, on my eldest. I see so much of myself in her that I want her to do well - I just need to stop confusing 'being HER best' with 'being THE best'.

Perhaps approaching 40 is making me a little more perceptive, or perhaps just a little 'soft'. But I know I need to appreciate that I'm human and cut myself some slack.It took Spielberg 35 years before he completed his BA. Other things got in the way but he never gave up and went back when he was ready. Hopefully my goals won't take as long to complete.

Until tomorrow (or maybe not).